heightened senses and emotional neutrality - duelo - dia 45

I am getting closer, everyday seems to bring something new to this mess that is my life now. I figured I might have a dissociation disorder but when I read about Depersonalisation it just make some much sense.

It's not good though, there is not a 'cure' for it but I think knowing what I have might help to control it. 

On the 14th I stopped taking lithium because I prefer to try living without it when I feel I couldn't be feeling worse, and not when I feel it's working.

I can't really tell if there is huge change in me, but I've felt less numb, like the level of pain can be higher now. I also experiences something like a panic attack.

I went to bed, after talking a lot all day and being reminded a lot of what life used to be back in Uruguay. When I was in the dark I started to have flashes, everything I know I can't think about because it just brings pain. I felt I could't breath and the walls started to move farther away from me, the room was dark but I could felt it becoming bigger and bigger. 

My thoughts were fast, like stabs. I felt I couldn't live apart from Daniel, like I could not survive, and I was not scared of death but terrified of that growing pain and sorrow.

It's like having all these monsters trapped in a locked room, where I could pretend they don't exist. And suddenly out of nowhere, I am trapped in that room with them. And the air is so heavy that I can't breath properly and there is something pushing my chest, and then I can't feel my body anymore so every sensation exists only in my head, and it becomes my whole world. 

I thought I should try some grounding, and sat in bed and grabbed my ankles, but it made me feel worse because it feel like if I was touching someone else, and I could't feel someone touching my legs.

The flashes kept coming and I had an strong urge for self harm, I tried to remember how many lithium pills I had or if I had something sharp enough. That gave me some relief, the flashes were stopping but the damage was already done, I couldn't stop sobbing.

I took my phone and tried to read something, anything, just looking at familiar shapes made my mind settle a little. Read other peoples words, imagining them talking. That was real and suddenly I was real too. Kind of.

What triggered this? I am not completely sure, but what I did a few moments before this started, was looking at a picture of someone that I haven't seen in a long time, and that I use a lot as an escape. He is a character in my mind and I imagine situations with him when I want to easy my mind. For example, everyday when trying to sleep. We have these imaginary talks, sometimes he just hugs me and listen to me without being scared. He is perfect in my mind but I know he does't really exists. Except that he is a real person, with a real face and a real voice that I tried to steal and trap in my mind.

I found this picture of him, the only one I had and I thought I deleted. I recognised it's him but I couldn't feel relief. I felt scared that h wouldn't have that effect on me anymore because I made him real remembering his face. It was a bitter sensation but I stoped thinking about it, took my pills and went to bed. I had read on my phone for about 10 minutes the the flashes started.

The good Sunday- duelo - día 26

I had to point out how crazy it is that I had a good day today. Nothing special, both happened, I just not felt like dying.

My body is still way behind and it hurts when I do something simple like walking, but I managed to do some important things like tidying up the spare bedroom (a bit) hoover it and leave it almost ready for visitors. I also did some laundry and bought some food for the freezer. Ah, hoovered the living room as well, that needed to be done but was triggering memories that I didn’t want.

I was calmer today and I don’t know if it’s because I was relieved from that horrible headache, or it’s just a coincidence. Also the last few days that I felt so so bad, I was in the ovulation window, so I don’t know.

I wish this mood would stay, I can actually do things and plan things and I don’t mind to be alone, and I can rest for a little bit. I am just so tired.

DID - duelo - dia 23

I got a camera and it feels wrong in a way, it feels lonely. But I think I am finally coming to term with not wanting to be with people, they will never know how I feel, never. It's like I am playing a movie in my mind and I am trying to tell everyone else what's happening or what is it about, with the words I can find... but they will never be able to watch it, never.

So I thought maybe I should record things, maybe I should translate whats happening in my mind to things I see, and things I can edit. Could be useful if it triggers my creativity, but I am scared that I get bored or demotivated. 

I keep thinking that nobody will remember me when I die, and if I loose control and kill myself, there would be nothing. I am not proud of my writing or my paintings and I don't think anyone will go through the million of pathetic selfies. I don't know, I am trying to cope, sometimes it feels like drowning and it gets worse at night, it's like floating but not in a good way.

I am very very sad today, but am also very tired because I can't sleep. It's like a very real sadness, it feels on my chest and I just wish I had some company. 

stronghold - duelo - dia 22

So disappointed, this is not where I wanted to be. There is not hope there is not more research about it, I prefer to be bipolar, give me back my lithium please.

I am trapped in my own mind, I don't know myself or my body, I don't know how I look like, I don't what the rest see in me, how to behave. I do not trust, I do not feel. How is that any better?

Where is the help? nobody knows how I feel, they think I am ok, I am doing ok so why should I get any help? 

I am not ashamed, or scared , I don't think it's worth the effort

Buyer's market - duelo - dia 14

Dissociative disorder. Esa soledad infinita que nos persigue a todos lados, que se te pega a la piel como caramelo caliente. No importa cuanta gente haya alrededor, nadie entiende el dolor, todos te miran desde lejos y no te pueden tocar ni cuando te tocan.

Ahora identifico ese lugar, ese rincón en mi cabeza donde me he estado escondiendo todos estos años, es como estar en el fondo de casa con mi primer perro, en lo mas alejado donde no se escuchaban los gritos si me tapaba los oídos. 

Nunca me gusto esa casa, pero nunca me sentí igual en ningún otro lugar, nunca pude volver a sentirme segura. 

Estoy empeorando con los días, y no creo que sea porque extrañe la relación. Claro que extraño a Daniel, extraño su compañia, y la distracción de mis propios miedos y dolor, y no quiero que se vaya y se olvide que existo, pero estoy segura que no puede ser feliz conmigo. 

Es darme cuenta lo rota que estoy, la soledad, el no saber que hacer, por donde empezar.

Ya no se que quiero.

trauma - duelo - dia 8

Desmoronarse, como una pared de ladrillos en cámara lenta. Así me veo. No se siente tanto y eso me preocupa. Duele, duele muchísimo pero se que puede doler mas, entonces sera que lo estoy reprimiendo? 

Decidí escribir acerca del libro, sacar notas para que no pasa de largo y que se filtre con mi experiencia porque no creo que nadie tenga tiempo de estudiar mi caso en detalle. Duele muchísimo, y no es por revivir, eso lo hago seguido y se hasta donde llego, es como que presiono yo el nivel del dolor al que quiero llegar con los recuerdos que elijo. Esto es como perder control, es sentirse tan solo y débil, es perder esperanzas.

Pensé hasta ahora que solo me tenia a mi, pero ahora no me tengo a mi tampoco, es la nada misma, por momentos las ganas de matarme fueron muy cerca a las que experimente cuando intente.

Dolor y dolor y dolor. Ya no puedo identificar de donde viene, es como que me estar cortando el cuerpo de a pedazos y me pregunten que me duele mas si el pie que me falta o la mano que me falta. 

Todos los dias pienso en matarme, me cansa, no puedo mas. No se si tengo arreglo, no se si quiero arreglarlo, que hay abajo de todo esto? no queda nada.

cynical - duelo - dia 7

Hay mejoras, tengo ganas de hacer algunas cosas, como ganas físicas no solo proyectar en mi mente como se sentiría hacerlas y ahi creer que si, que me gustaría.

Esto no hace que haya dolor por todos los rincones, es como caminar en una ciudad abandonada donde hay muertos tirados por todos lados y tener que ir tratando de esquivarlos con la mirada. Así esta mi cabeza ahora. Y si encuentro un rincón donde no hay muertos me quedo un rato acurrucada y espero a que pase el tiempo, capaz que lo muerto se van a ir, a desaparecer. 

La desconexión con el cuerpo de la que hablábamos, se hizo mucho mas intensa estos días, me di cuenta como no me miraba al espejo, - y no por algo estetico, no estaba preocupada de estar atractiva para nadie, es como negar al cuerpo. Por que ese estado mental lleva a odiar lo físico? a despersonificar, a creer ajeno un peligro casi, algo de lo que tenemos que huir. 

Estar sola es lo mas difícil, es como si me consumiera otra dimension en la que pierdo control y la realidad es mucho mas difusa sin sentido.

Extraño tener compañía, ser escuchada -apreciada. Pequeños detalles como entra a una habitación y ver algo que dejó el otro. Sus cosas duelen ahora, se apilan tristes para que yo las llore.

Me cuesta identificar que murió, cuando murió, como dar proceso al duelo si no hay muerto?

Supongo que la ilusión de algo que nunca fue. Nos quisimos siempre de la manera equivocada, y no se porqué. No se por que no pudimos conectar en ese nivel, pudimos tener intimidad, ser tan amigos, ser familia, ser amantes, pero hubo algo que no pudimos conseguir, una barrera que no pudimos romper.

Y darse por vencido, saber que no se puede, que no alcanza y que no podes estar con alguien si falta 'eso' por mucho que lo quieras, eso es como dejarlo morir, algo que agonizo casi 4 años; dejarlo descansar y que mute en algo mejor, mas positivo. Que nos deje ser, respirar, querernos de otra forma.