I got a camera and it feels wrong in a way, it feels lonely. But I think I am finally coming to term with not wanting to be with people, they will never know how I feel, never. It's like I am playing a movie in my mind and I am trying to tell everyone else what's happening or what is it about, with the words I can find... but they will never be able to watch it, never.
So I thought maybe I should record things, maybe I should translate whats happening in my mind to things I see, and things I can edit. Could be useful if it triggers my creativity, but I am scared that I get bored or demotivated.
I keep thinking that nobody will remember me when I die, and if I loose control and kill myself, there would be nothing. I am not proud of my writing or my paintings and I don't think anyone will go through the million of pathetic selfies. I don't know, I am trying to cope, sometimes it feels like drowning and it gets worse at night, it's like floating but not in a good way.
I am very very sad today, but am also very tired because I can't sleep. It's like a very real sadness, it feels on my chest and I just wish I had some company.
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