I am getting closer, everyday seems to bring something new to this mess that is my life now. I figured I might have a dissociation disorder but when I read about Depersonalisation it just make some much sense.
It's not good though, there is not a 'cure' for it but I think knowing what I have might help to control it.
On the 14th I stopped taking lithium because I prefer to try living without it when I feel I couldn't be feeling worse, and not when I feel it's working.
I can't really tell if there is huge change in me, but I've felt less numb, like the level of pain can be higher now. I also experiences something like a panic attack.
I went to bed, after talking a lot all day and being reminded a lot of what life used to be back in Uruguay. When I was in the dark I started to have flashes, everything I know I can't think about because it just brings pain. I felt I could't breath and the walls started to move farther away from me, the room was dark but I could felt it becoming bigger and bigger.
My thoughts were fast, like stabs. I felt I couldn't live apart from Daniel, like I could not survive, and I was not scared of death but terrified of that growing pain and sorrow.
It's like having all these monsters trapped in a locked room, where I could pretend they don't exist. And suddenly out of nowhere, I am trapped in that room with them. And the air is so heavy that I can't breath properly and there is something pushing my chest, and then I can't feel my body anymore so every sensation exists only in my head, and it becomes my whole world.
I thought I should try some grounding, and sat in bed and grabbed my ankles, but it made me feel worse because it feel like if I was touching someone else, and I could't feel someone touching my legs.
The flashes kept coming and I had an strong urge for self harm, I tried to remember how many lithium pills I had or if I had something sharp enough. That gave me some relief, the flashes were stopping but the damage was already done, I couldn't stop sobbing.
I took my phone and tried to read something, anything, just looking at familiar shapes made my mind settle a little. Read other peoples words, imagining them talking. That was real and suddenly I was real too. Kind of.
What triggered this? I am not completely sure, but what I did a few moments before this started, was looking at a picture of someone that I haven't seen in a long time, and that I use a lot as an escape. He is a character in my mind and I imagine situations with him when I want to easy my mind. For example, everyday when trying to sleep. We have these imaginary talks, sometimes he just hugs me and listen to me without being scared. He is perfect in my mind but I know he does't really exists. Except that he is a real person, with a real face and a real voice that I tried to steal and trap in my mind.
I found this picture of him, the only one I had and I thought I deleted. I recognised it's him but I couldn't feel relief. I felt scared that h wouldn't have that effect on me anymore because I made him real remembering his face. It was a bitter sensation but I stoped thinking about it, took my pills and went to bed. I had read on my phone for about 10 minutes the the flashes started.
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